look closely. think twice. cut once.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Worst Poem I Ever Wrote

First allow me to apologize preface: Many years ago, my sister's office was having a contest at its Halloween party - write a poem incorporating the words ghostly, spooky, creepy, and (I assume) pumpkin. I, being hilarious, composed the following monstrosity.

It's awful. And I can't get through reading it aloud without cracking up.


Bang crash
What was that ghostly noise in the dark
Creak scream
It sure is spooky when the power’s out
Bump thwack
What was that creepy laugh
Jingle crank
I miss my pumpkin patch

I miss my pumpkin patch
Oh how I miss the green tendrils and vines that wound their way around my ankles because they were evil and wanted to kill me.
Oh how I miss the plump orange gourds that goaded me into insanity with their watching eyes that I carved into them with my rusty butcher knife.
Oh how I miss the guts of the pumpkins that I discarded at random throughout the patch after carving them with my rusty butcher knife, and that I later fell asleep in on a drunken binge and have yet to wipe the seeds off my cheek.
Oh how I miss the ghostly creepy spooky scarecrow who stood watch over my pumpkin patch but later scared me to death when I was drunk. I am now dead and swimming through a pool of molten lava for my sins, one of which involves throwing pumpkin guts on consecrated ground. That is why I miss my pumpkin patch.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What Did I Do With My December?

Well ... I finally set up my website! Yes indeedy, I finally managed to cross off that niggling entry on my To Do list that had been camped out there for ... longer than I'd care to admit. Part of the reason for the delay was that I assumed I'd have to get a fancy-pants web designer to set it all up for me, which would cost a fistful of dollars. I'd even made contact with a web designer with that in mind - he told me he was swamped but that he'd get back to me in two weeks.

He then proceeded to disappear off the face of the earth.

You know. As people do.